It has been a long time since I have posted. And it is hard for me to do so now. I have been struggling with events in my life as of late: disillusionment with my current position in life, fear of choices I have made, a need for advancement and resolution. It has been pointed out that I have difficulty admitting when I am wrong, which confused me at first, then brought on some revelations that I still have not come to peace with. I have reread previous posts of mine, trying to recapture some of the confidence I have lost, but it is clear to me at this point that I need to find a new set of revelations and accomplishments.
At the heart of this is my oldest daughter. Her mother and I are divorced and this makes this situation able to happen. She has decided that I can no longer be a part of her life, something that drives the almost unbearable anxiety and pain in my life. What is worse is that it is me that initiated it through a badly worded text. I cannot convince her that the way she took it was not the way I meant it. And now it seems that my relationship with her is over. A daughter that I was so very close with, a daughter that I never, ever even thought of hurting, she has gone. This hurts more than the divorce because the divorce was something that I could see coming and the divorce was a relief to both of us. I cannot seem to put into words how this separation from my daughter hurts. And it has sent me careening into fear and sorrow.
I don’t have all the answers, even when I think I do. Life throws us surprises, tests us always. This is all part of the Infinity Path, I know. All of the tenets are there: Perception, Thought, Belief and Reality. Trouble starts when my perceptions do not match the other person’s. That text was sent from my perceptions and did not match her perceptions. To disastrous effect. My words alienated her, when all I wanted was to give her space to figure out where she was in her life. I would, in a heartbeat, take it back. That is not possible, and after some thought, not desirable either. Life always needs to grow and change. Now, it seems I must endure this flood.
I think that all of this indicates that I need to move on the path and stop trying to stand still. I have stayed at my job, even though I am dissatisfied and angry at it. I am driving a wreck, because I am unsure how to get a car I want to drive. Most importantly, I am trying to put things back the way they were with my daughter when I need to be looking for a way to move on to new relationship with her, maybe one that is even better.
I don’t know if any of these things are the answers I need. But answers need to be found before I drown in the flood I am trying to stand against.